In My Soul I Am More

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  • Winter into Spring.

    Winter into Spring.

    For the first time in my life, I feel like I have experienced my own rebirth alongside nature. A reminder that my daily choice to choose joy has placed me in perfect timing with life.

    March began in Costa Rica. 

    I left the cold of New York for the warmth of Tamarindo. A quiet mind. Love for my body. Days filled only with the things I wanted, as slowly as I wanted them. There in the middle of the Pacific Ocean I floated, unable to swim, in total bliss. I memorized every beautiful feeling moving through my body so I could carry them with me forever.

    In April I challenged myself to complete 30 hot yoga classes in 30 days. Only two weeks in, I began to see my physical body take shape of the love and patience I had learned to give her over the last three years. But my body was not changing because I was doing yoga every day. It was changing because I finally spoke to her with kindness, through tough binds, twists, and balancing poses. Are you ready to try this move? Where does it feel good?
    Good job girl. You really did that.

    I gave her autonomy and I let my practice become her playground. We were both having fun, guided only by breath and the memorized feelings of Costa Rica.

    When I realized how transformative these last two months were becoming, I started writing down every lesson I was learning on and off the mat. Here are some of those notes. Take what you need and leave the rest.

    Love you.

    What I Learned in March and April.

    YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME. You have to reach for and grab time. Time is real and you should take it.

    Some adults will never grow up.

    You must make time for yourself. Those are the moments that make up your life.

    Caring is cool. Don’t put yourself down to make others feel better.

    ULTIMATELY THE BODY IS A VERY SERIOUS TOY.

    If something seems easy, it is, and that is really, really good.

    QUIET YOUR MIND. Stop fighting with yourself over the things you should and should not do. Choices are only between what you want and what you have been told you should want. Whenever you need to make a choice, take a second and ask yourself the question out loud. Whichever answer creates a reaction in your body will give you your answer. Fewer choices mean more quiet and more space in your day.

    ALWAYS KEEP THE STATE OF YOUR MIND AND BODY CALM.

    Lie more to protect your life. White lies are good.

    LIFE REWARDS SHOWING UP, NOT PERFECTION.

    Everything happens for a reason. No, everything just happens.

    To love something is to deeply and lovingly care for every part of it.

    The more you get to know yourself and your body, the safer you feel in the world.

    If my face reacts before I do, that is my answer.

  • Things That Make Me Want to Be Healthier That Have Nothing To Do With Men or Wanting to Be Beautiful; I Do Nothing All By Myself

    Things That Make Me Want to Be Healthier That Have Nothing To Do With Men or Wanting to Be Beautiful; I Do Nothing All By Myself

    I’m trying to be a woman that changes with the seasons.

    In spring, I want to sprout and sing and dance and be merry. In summer, I want long braids and dresses and movement and community. In the fall, I’m learning to slow down and enjoy shedding. And in winter, I’m practicing stillness and solitude.

    With only a few weeks left of winter, I don’t want to waste the gift of cold air, bare trees and the sound of snow beneath my feet. I don’t want to miss the sharp wind against my face or the complete silence of the woods. This is the first time I am enjoying being alone and focusing on healing my mind.

    Between the phrases of Breasts and Eggs, the scribbles I write down on random pieces of paper to empty out my brain, I spend time standing in the cold air revisiting moments that have stayed with me—mostly the painful ones. I create an affirmation against them and try to figure out why they hurt so much. The affirmations help me turn the memory into a better foundation for the person I want to be, while the discovery of its roots helps me build boundaries.

    Learning about our past is not to keep it by our side forever, but it’s to make sure we rip ourselves away from it as clean as we can.

    Yeah, so that’s what inspired this piece.

    The Words:

    Things that make me

    want to be healthier that

    have nothing to do with

    men

    or wanting to be

    beautiful.

    I can do nothing all by myself.

    It’s in this solitude my path unfolds revealing the places I hid pieces of myself growing up.

    It’s in solitude I hold my hands over my breasts repeating I love you, thank you. Erasing the years she arrived too early and hung above my belly button as shame, embarrassment.

    It’s in solitude I’m practicing slowing down, because being fast was only saving me from rejection.

    Alone I practice being who I am becoming. And learn to protect her. So the careless world has no power.

    It’s in my solitude I do nothing but weave through the memories of my life, cutting away the weeds — no need to understand them and plant new memories.

    With each new memory, I create a glowing pathway for the little girl inside me to find her way out to play.

    I want to be healthier so I can spend more moments alone, doing nothing but staring up at the ceiling rebuilding, mending, cutting myself into love.

    During my last walk I took this photo. The way the snow melted gives the outline of a face, no?

  • In Costa Rica, The Seeds of Love I Have Been Planting Began to Bloom.

    In Costa Rica, The Seeds of Love I Have Been Planting Began to Bloom.

    As I weaved in and out of outfits that framed the parts of me I spent so many years ashamed of, I caught a glimpse of the woman I was becoming—she was surprising and familiar.

    She was someone I briefly passed on the street once, her radiance catching me off guard. How could anyone radiate so much love for their own existence? 

    Years passed, and now here I am, face to face with that same radiance reflecting back at me. A reunion with that one fleeting moment when someone else’s light briefly shined into your dark world.

    That’s what this whole trip felt like—a reunion.

    I know with time, I’ll look back on this trip and realize it was far more important to my life than I ever could have guessed. Until then, here are clips and lessons from my 5 days in Costa Rica.

    How Do I Stay on Vacation 24/7?

    Do things for yourself, alone. You take a vacation every time you stop serving others. The word “vacation” means to be free from work. Its origin vacātiō: to break free from service. You don’t have to leave the country. Instead do something for yourself and give no one access to you.

    Example: No phone/work/hangs after 7PM on weekdays. Ever.

    Go out more. Get dressed and just go sit somewhere nice and work or read a book. Get dressed and go for a walk. Doing fun activities while looking your best should be part of your weekly plans. Every outfit was planned for this trip, every activity had a look. Get more serious about doing fun things!

    Example: Get cute and attend experiences in your community!

    Don’t buy anything new! Everything I wore on this vacation was borrowed from a friend. Before I left, I shopped three of my friends’ closets. A lot of my friends are my style icons, so it was an excuse to raid some amazing closets. It’s a great hangout. And you save money for the trip. 

    Choose to have fun no matter what. I had a botched hairstyle the whole trip—had to wear one hairstyle the entire time. Before I even left New York, I had to lose $103. My nails weren’t done. Toes not done. Just got my hours at work cut. And emotionally, I was very, very lost.

    But I knew I needed this trip badly, and nothing was going to take it from me. So I didn’t care what happened. I was going to have a good time in Costa Rica.

    And I did.

  • I’m Not Giving Up

    I am not going to let imperfection stop me anymore. I am not giving up. My intention is to share a series with you on Tuesdays and my thoughts on Fridays. But it’s already Wednesday, and only one newsletter has gone out.

    I feel horrible about that. More than anything, I feel I might lose your trust — and that is the last thing I want. You subscribing and reading my words means the world to me.

    So here is my promise: I will keep showing up. I will intentionally share what I learn about womanhood, love and life with you, twice a week.

    Thank you for being here.

    Did you know Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, and Clarissa Pinkola Estés co-wrote an opera about the life of a woman?

    I’ve been reading Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés for about three years now. This is not a book you rush through; it’s a book you pick up when it calls to you. So that’s how I’ve read it — instinctively. It was late January when the call arose to read through another section I didn’t quite remember finishing…or starting.

    Writing is something I’ve decided to take seriously. This means paying more attention to how others write, what words they choose and what order they put them in, and how each sentence makes me feel and transports me. Pinkola Estés is incredible. Her words teach me how to harness the magic of being a woman that is innate in all humans. As I read through her words again, they had a more visceral effect on me!

    I thought to myself, “I have to hear this woman speak — see how she carries herself.” During that search, I discovered a roundtable interview about an opera titled women.life.song — written by Maya Angelou, Clarissa Pinkola Estés, and Toni Morrison. An opera that would be performed by Jessye Norman and composed by Judith Weir. An opera written by the greatest magicians of words about the different stages of a woman’s life.

    Jessye Norman, an extremely accomplished opera singer, was commissioned by Carnegie Hall to create this piece. She went on to assemble the Avengers team of writers if I ever saw one. Maya Angelou was tasked to write about the young years, Toni Morrison the middle years, and Clarissa Pinkola Estés the later years of a woman’s life. If ever I want to know what it really means to be a woman, these are the three I would run to, grab coffee with, and ask questions — excited for what they had to say. To think there is a work of art out there that represents their answers!

    Instead of watching this interview passively, I hit the fullscreen button, sat up straight, and watched all four women (Maya Angelou couldn’t be there at the time) speak on the process of putting women.life.song together. Clarissa’s presence was unassuming; she was as focused, intentional, all-knowing, and present as her words. Jessye Norman, who I had never heard of until this moment, felt as large as the word “magnificent.” Maya Angelou, who couldn’t be there but had her words read, left me in tears. Toni Morrison felt so much more playful than I imagined. I was enlivened by each person —so much of themselves, celebrating each other with excitement, love, and playfulness. I watched as they stood tall in who they were, not backing down from a single question, laughing and applauding each other’s talent, and speaking about honoring each other and their lives and the lives of so many women. It is this wonderful exchange I want to share with you all this week.

    Enjoy.

    Here are timestamps of my favorite moments:

    5:33 / 18:14 – Clarissa’s energy is unmatched! She lives in what she writes about, and she means everything she says. The second timestamp is when she answers a question the interviewer read past earlier. And she gives us this wonderful thought: “Anytime women do something… it’s historic!”

    9:26 – Maya’s words are being read even when she’s not there. I cried so much as each word took me deeper and deeper into the moment she was creating. I hope one day to be this talented with words. I loved how much you can tell Jessye loved it too; she couldn’t stop herself from reading along and performing!

    10:38 – Toni reading her words and performer Jessye joining in and adding so much life to them. As an actor, I really was taken aback by how she made words that she normally sings sound like a speech from a Shakespeare play— effortlessly.

    Other things on my mind:

    1. My current writing playlist: Sentimental Value

    2. Currently reading Breasts & Eggs by Mieko Kawakami. I’m flying through this book! I’ve had it on my shelf for a while and finally threw it in my bag for easy commute reading — and my gosh, it’s so beautiful, honest, and quiet. The perfect winter read. I just finished Chapter 12 and had to pause, completely taken by her storytelling. I already have her next book ready for pickup at the library. Please message me on IG if you’ve read this book, need someone to talk to about chapter 12!

    3. A recent thought “Your soul has always done what it wanted and will continue to do so.”

    4. I’m dating again… That’s for another newsletter.

    Finding new coffee shops to read in around New York. Great coffee & small. 📍Kore Coffee

  • Things That Make Me Want to Be Healthier That Have Nothing To Do With Men or Wanting to Be Beautiful; I Can Find Peace In Chaos

    “My ancestors had all this pain, and now I had to carry it.”

    A friend I was reconnecting with said this as we ate scallion pancakes and sipped on reheated tea.

    The current state of the world had me questioning my newfound peace. So, I found myself having conversations with anyone who would listen, hoping they could help guide me toward doing the right thing.

    I had already decided to stop posting on platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube — platforms owned by billionaires whose ethics I couldn’t support. I went vegan. I stopped shopping at Target and Amazon since October 2025. Stopped using Spotify. It wasn’t perfect but each day I was doing the best I could. All these changes in 2025 were made with the hope of planting seeds of positive impact.

    Then 2026 came, and things were getting worse. My new political awareness, brought on by an ego death, made me feel like I didn’t know enough and I wasn’t doing enough.

    The joy and hopeful state I’d created within myself now felt surrounded by what seemed like the most hateful and uneasy time in my generation. After 23+ years of misery and self-hate, could my peace only last 2 years? All I could think was, How unfair — I just learned to love myself.

    How could I possibly still post TikToks, have dreams, or talk about self-love, peace, and womanhood when the whole world felt like it was upside down?

    It didn’t help that I wasn’t keeping up appearances. My hair was growing out, I was drowning in a backlog of work, my clothes piled up into four bags of laundry, another pair of jeans lost to Mother Nature’s monthly visits, and I was running out of socks!

    I sat there eating and repeated my friend’s thought to myself:“My ancestors had all this pain, and now I had to carry it.”

    Through my healing journey, I’ve taught my mind to think in positives. To turn every thought into something good. So as they said this, I thought to myself, Well, no. It’s yours now. Make it peaceful, and pass that on.

    At 31, I had found and lived in infinite joy for the first time. My fight meant passing that on. Celebrating friends and reconnecting with middle school classmates was just as important as boycotting and educating myself. Both could exist.

    While I’m still trying to figure it all out and be a good citizen of this world, I know my purpose is to continue building as much heaven on earth as there is darkness.

    2026 has been a socially busy month. I’ve had plans all week long — fruitful, fun plans. I’ve met work deadlines without stressing out. I’ve allowed my daily habits to take a backseat without fearing I’d never return to them. Somehow, I’ve learned to continue with life amidst the chaos. And I hadn’t even noticed.

    This was another huge milestone in my healing journey. Others have included: wanting to wear color again, returning to writing, becoming vegan, and letting go of certain dreams.

    I don’t need a million things to be perfect in order to show up. I just have to trust that my need to be a force for peace can and must happen, in the chaos.

    The words:

    Things that make me want to be healthier

    that have nothing to do with

    men

    or wanting to be

    beautiful.

    I Can Find Peace In Chaos. 

    Pile of clothes on my floor, 4 bags of laundry in my closet and my braids 4 months old tugging at my roots.

    It was 2 weeks into January before I realized what used to paralyze me were now just things I could name as I lived my life.

    Before I became my own compass it was chaos that kept me in one place for too long. It was chaos I thought I deserved.

    They say a messy home affects your mind, but a mind that is always at peace can find calm wherever it goes. That is my super power now.

    For 23 years I tried to build a home in the ruins passed down to me and wondered why nothing I built lasted.

    A messy room, misplaced words, and delayed success have no space in my mind, body and soul, no place in home.